It comes upon us so unannounced. We, the unsuspecting student, struggling through our labs and exams and the continual guilt of ignoring all that does not promote the better of our academic career. We hear about it often, have possibly even flirted with the idea of it, but never in our wildest dreams has it ever created any kind of reality for us. Until one day, while we are so innocently studying for the upcoming exams (or procrastinating, as that happens often), the question of the rest of our lives hits us smack! in the back of our heads.
Well, the back of my head anyways. I wont pretend that I am unique in my uncanny ability to quickly turn my head away from the 'rest of my life', we all have our times when we keep our sanity in the present by living the future through glimpses caught out of the corner of our eyes. But I do think that I have managed to avoid it more than most. It was so set, you see, so obvious just what I would do - I had no need to concern myself with it. Go to school, do well. Get into university, do well. Get a job, do well. Not once had I ever doubted the "do well"-ability. And, for the most part, I never needed to. I did well in high school, got a scholarship to a great university, was enrolled in a program that I genuinely love and am passionate about, and even managed to obtain back-to-back summer research positions doing something I truly like for someone I truly admire. And at not a bad salary either. Yes, I had Done Well.
And there it stops. I've done well. But the doing, oh the doing is not so good at all. Things got a bit harder. I was easier to distract. I got a social life. All or none, but combined somehow this and more has contributed to my steady downslide into a life that is not doing the kind of well that I had once taken for granted. The A+ isn't just farther away, its in another time-space dimension. And along with those celebrated high marks goes all of my once certainties. The given of a good job isn't given anymore. Its true - I looked it up, GPA counts in the Science world. My once endless options have narrowed to but a few. Reality has closed in on me. And I'm so far down the tunnel that I can't even turn around. So what do I do now? The question is a resounding echo of that smack on the back of my head.
Oh I've got options. I know of a guy with a chemistry major that's a manager at a Wal-Mart. And that call center across the bridge pays out a pretty decent hourly rate. But those aren't the options I want to consider. I have such dreams, such plans, such high aspiring goals. So I am forced to explore the idea of the rest of my life. Continuing with a physics degree seemed like the perfect solution. What could be better than more learning? That's two more years of head ducking and reality avoiding. And I really really love physics. But after this year? I won't deceive myself with the optimism of top of the class GPA and research opportunities falling into my lap. I'm beginning to learn my lesson now. And do I really want to spend 2 more years of my life filled with labs and exams? All to attain another undergraduate degree that just might take me nowhere. So what else? Graduate studies you might ask, and oh how I've contemplated it. At least until that ugly GPA rears its head. Sometimes it all feels so hopeless. A far cry from the "get a job, do well" attitude I started with.
But that's all it is right now, just an attitude. Maybe I'm cranky because my head hurts. Stupid reality. Stupid me for ignoring the fact that life has to start sometime. I've been living in four month spurts (fall, winter, summer - the school semesters) and have been peacefully oblivious to the idea that life doesn't really run this way. So I guess I've got some thinking to do. I was hoping that a bit of blogging would help, but it seems that I've just talked myself in circles and have yet to find a way to satisfactorily avoid all of my issues. Perhaps this is the problem at the heart of it all - avoidance. But that's for another night, another blog, another exam to procrastinate studying for.
And so, stupid by actions, and humbled by Gods grace, I bid adieu, and am going to go drown myself in the mathematical wonders of the physical sciences. (I give myself about 5 minutes before I pass out).
<>< peace
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